Sunday, December 31, 2006

Resolutions I'd like to see


In the spirit of the season here are some suggestions for resolutions I'd like to see some people make:


Britney Spears: please resolve to wear panties and act like a grown up because no one needs to see your beaver (again).

Red Sox: Please get some bullpen help and stop messing with the infield which was never the problem. Get more bats around Papi.

US government: Finalize a plan for a speedy, organized and peaceful transfer of democratic power to the Iraqi people and get our boys home. We must have smart enough people to figure that out.

My book club: Ladies, let's resolve to all read the books (guilty!) and spend more time actually discussing them. I need the social aspect as much as anyone, but I would like to return to having some deeper discussions which seem to have become taboo since the "Life of Pi" incident.


Artie Lange: Please resolve to get your shit together before you flame out like Bruce, Belushi, Kinison and Farley. It's a great list that you don't want to be on.

Sylvestor Stallone: Please promise us no more Rocky films or action heroes. I liked you in Copland and would rather see you in a smaller role than watch you try to keep these old franchises on life support. Talk to Harrison Ford.

Different points of view about turning 40


Love me, love my granny panties


Sexiest women over 40


a man's point of view


Does great sex start at forty?


40 reasons a woman should celebrate turning 40

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Favorite foods I'll be missing


Its time to say farewell to many of the things that have kept me full and feeling loved over the last few years. I'm gonna miss you all:

Breakfast at Persy’s Place – hearty scrambler with grilled cornbread, oh behave.

Wendy’s #1 single burger with fries ordered clandestinely in the drive through. If no one sees you eat it, do the calories really count?

Raiding the candy jar on Cross’s desk, especially the Lindt dark chocolate balls. Its like friggin catnip for clones.

Friendly’s Hunka Chunka PB fudge ice cream, with jimmies of course.

Snyder’s honey mustard pretzel pieces.

Roche Brothers Chicken Salad - all white meat, mayo and there has got to be some butter in there, I swear. Best eaten on Ritz crackers.

Ernie’s Pizza 2 for 1 Tuesdays. Chicken bacon ranch special, Lately it's been giving me wicked heartburn, so now I call it re-pizza.



Fried Clams at one of the great waterfront places near me. Tasty sweet morsels from the sea, how I will miss thee.

People who never reached forty

I supppose being forty is not so bad when I see this list of famous people that never made it. But then imagine what they could have accomplished if we had them around just a bit longer.

Alexander the Great
Amelia Earhart
Andy Gibb
Andy Kaufman
Anne Frank
Big Bopper
Biggie Smalls
Billy the Kid
Bob Marley
Bobby Darin
Bobby Sands
Brian Piccolo
Bruce Lee
Buddy Holly
Charlie Parker
Charlotte Bronte
Che Guevara
Christopher Marlowe
Crazy Horse
Dana Plato
Dylan Thomas
Emily Bronte
Eva Peron
Flannery O’Connor
Flo-Jo
Franz Schubert
Freddie Prinze
Frederic Chopin
George Gershwin
James Dean
Jayne Mansfield
Jean Harlow
Jesse James
Jesus
JFK Jr
Jim Morrison
Joan of Arc
John Belushi
John Bonham
John Merrick (elephant man)
Karen Carpenter
Keith Moon
King Tut
Kurt Cobain
Jimi Hendrix
Janis Joplin
Len Bias
Lisa Left-Eye Lopes
Lou Gehrig
Malcolm X
Marie Antoinette
Marilyn Monroe
Martin Luther King Jr
Mattie Stepanek
Mozart
ODB
Patsy Cline
Princess Diana
Reggie Lewis
Ritchie Valens
River Phoenix
Roberto Clemente
Rudolph Valentino
Sam Cooke
Sam Kinison
Selena
Sharon Tate
Sid Vicious
Stevie Ray Vaughn
Sylvia Plath
Thurmon Munson
Toulouse –Latrec
Tupac Shakur
Vincent Van Gogh
Yuri Gagarin

New Years Eve is overrated


Is there any party night out there with a bigger buildup than New Year's Eve? Not to get all Debby Downer, but spending 100 bucks a head at some fancy gala with champagne toasts, 3 buffets and an open bar, surrounded by micro mini dress wearing Mariah Carey wanna bees in f-me pumps and bedazzled purses never did it for me. It's a night that shoulders great expectations for new beginnings, redemption, salvation even, but always ends in a big whimper when the ball finally drops and everyone is kissing some stranger with the same enthusiasm and true affection reserved for shaking hands in church.

But have you ever had a New Year's Eve that lived up to all the hype? Not me. I've always come home disappointed at the anticlimax.


I wasted several New Year's Eves as as single girl chasing the elusive dream of the perfect night. There was my freshman year of college when i visited my roommate out in Chicago, and we went to the requisite Gala at some fancy downtown hotel. I knew nobody there, miniskirts are not my thing, and my best asset - my smartass mouth- did not project well in a crowded function room, so let's just say this was a complete letdown.

Then there was the year of the Boston harbor cruise (who's bright idea was this in January?), one or two ski weekends that weren't so bad, and the nights I happily spent on the sidelines on the other side of the bar watching the dream chasers perform their annual ritual while stuffing my tip jar.

After getting married, the pressure was off to have a BIG night. New Year's Eve was back to another family get together, which suited me just fine. Growing up, New Year's Eve was the night we'd order way too much chinese food and hang around the house playing cards. I used to drive my Dad crazy with my dealer's choice - he hated wild cards with a vengeance, and when I was finished calling for one-eyed Jacks, the man with the axe, red twos, black fives and the ten of clubs, well he would just about go apeshit. Then I would call for a 50 cent ante and put all pennies in the pot. What I wouldn't give to see that look on his face one more time.

One of the fondest New Year's Eves I recall was 1998 in Ireland which we spent anticipating the arrival of our son who was due on New Year's Day. A windstorm raged on outside, and our drafty little Ivy Cottage had been without electricity (ie, heat!) for several days. We had to hunker down at my in-laws who had no electricity either but didn't rely on that "new fangled" central heating - their house was heated the old fashioned way by burning turf, coal and assorted household refuse in a huge range in the back kitchen. Heat is a relative term here folks, it was either scorching the face off you in the back kitchen but you could see your breath in all the other rooms, which unfortunately numbered the sole bathroom among them. Not that I dared even go try to go for a wash in there as the door didn't lock, and any of my husband's 14 siblings, assorted spouses and kids liable to come through the door at any second. And the tubs were so friggin deep over there that by the end of my pregnancy I needed a backhoe to get in and out.

We all sat around that night in the candlelight swapping stories,playing cards and a few songs. It was simple and sweet - like something out of "little house on the prarie" for me. When the lights came back on, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed that the mood was ruined.

So for me, New Year's Eve is best spent with the ones you love sharing the small moments. I'm old enough now to know the New Year's Eve hype is just that.

What I like about me

This is a tough one. They always say you've got to love yourself first - I'm talking the physical self here, not the personality, brains or spirit that make us whole. Just the body itself - gotta pick sides, name names, single out the good from the bad. When you're about to make a change, it helps to take inventory and see where you're starting from. So here goes - starting from the bottom and moving on up.

feet - on a whole I like them, they are small and cute. Others in my family liken them to Oscar Mayer cocktail franks attached to duck fins, but that's their hangup, not mine.

legs - lets just skip these - family curse - the worst trait. The best thing I can say is that they are extremely sturdy -ligaments and joints will wear out long before these mighty cedars give way. Look up cankles and you'll find me.

arse - big, flat, white. permanent granny panties. moving on folks.

torso - I do like my curves - although they have more like become treacherous, embanked hairpin turns in the last few years. I have the zaftig remains of the hourglass of my youth. But both Dr Oz and I agree too much belly going on here.

breastesess - My girls are my thing. Pointy torpedos right up there in your face like Jane Russell in her 18 hour bra. Right off the Some Girls album cover.

shoulders - thanks to swim team I never needed shoulder pads - I carried the east german swimmer look off like Ludmilla Drago in Rocky IV.

arms - upper arm flab , lower arm cankles as well. Small hands, bad nails. a mixed bag.

neck - if your boobs touch your chin, then technically, do you really even have a neck?

face/head - such a pretty face. Heard that alot growing up. no wrinkles, small nose, nice eyes. I think my best thing going. However the recent arrival of chin hair is quite alarming.

ears - very small, don't stick out at all. Keepers.

hair - still got lots of it. and lets just say over the years there has been a permanent and distinct mismatch between the rug and the curtains as I have stayed with the golden color of my youth. Been coloring since my first grey appeared in high school.

overall assessment - a big friggin mess. Gotta strip away this protective layer of pounds and be willing to be accepted or rejected for what's inside. Bring on the New Year.

Saddam is gone


So i turned the TV on during one of my increasingly frequent nocturnal pit stops, and CNN confirmed that Saddam Hussein was executed today for crimes against his people. What gets me is that people were dancing around his corpse. Is this a cultural thing? Are we just repressed prudes who would never allow such a display of emotion? Or have we never been faced with such an evil bastard that we would rejoice his death with a good dosi-do. Did anyone dance when Hitler died? That should have been a real hoe down.

In Iraq it seems like dancing and fighting are not too far apart in the spectrum of things. Reminds me of that Hillbilly Hare episode from Bugs Bunny with the dancing/fighting Hatfield and McCoys.


Promenade across the floor
Sass shay right on out the door
Out the door and in to the glade
And everybody promenade
Step right up, you're doing fine
I'll pull your beard, you pull mine
Yank it again, like you did before
Break it up with a tug of war


Now lead your partner, the dirty ol' thing
Follow through with an elbow swing
Grab a fence post, hold it tight
Whomp your partner with all your might
Hit him in the shin, hit him in the head
Hit him again, the critter ain't dead
Wop him low and wop him high
Stick your finger in his eye

a very little green eyed monster

So recently I learned that my close friend from high school (and ergo fellow recent big 4-0 sufferer) is pregnant. This will be her third child, and her other 2 are like 8 and 11 years old. This was a big surprise, she is very happy and all is going well. I am happy for her of course, but honestly I can say that part of me may also be a little jealous too.

We've been blessed with only 1 child, and haven't managed to have another though we never stopped trying. We also never underwent any fertility procedures to do anything about it. There have been some health issues that have taken priority which thank God seem to be behind us now.

so now why am I feeling this little bit of envy? I had resigned myself that we were too old to start again, its risky after 40, the age gap with Casey would be too big, etc. But are these really reasons or just things we've told ourselves to avoid feeling disappointed. I know that if we had a similar surprise, none of these issues would even be on the table.

tick tock, time is moving on - so I think we need to figure out what we really want and see a specialist to make things happen, or agree that our family is complete just the way it is right now.

Friday, December 29, 2006

This year will be different!


New Year's is looming and the pressure to start afresh is mounting. Resolutions have never worked for me. I can only meet the deadlines and promises that I make to other people, not to just me alone. When I fail, there is only me to disappoint and I've learned to deal with that pretty well.

So why is it going to be different this time? Well, I'm just about out of chances. I've made it to forty very banged up and out of shape and i've got to turn it around if i want to make it another forty. So I've got to make these promises to more than just me - to my family, my friends, my coworkers, the dog, you blog readers. Whatever it takes to keep me honest, on track and in line.

So what are these promises - very simple:
1) eat healthy; no more crap. Weight Watchers core plan and stick to it.
2) establish an exercise program and follow it. gym, bicycle, walking. Just move that fat arse every day.

do these things, and good will come in all areas. I know I can do it with your help. I'm not going to tell you how much I need to lose, but I'll keep you posted on what I've lost. And there will be pictures too. Once i get a wide angle lens (ha ha).

blog envy

so i'm all happy about my new blog. it's like a shiny new toy and i've been giving a lot of attention. I like having an outlet. It beats the hell out of scrapbooking, I bought mountains of that crap and its just sitting there waiting for me to make time for it.

Well apparently, not all are happy around here with the new blog queen. Mike is kinda upset - he's like are you putting that stuff on the internet? (yes)

What if people figure out who we are (so what?)

I don't want my personal stuff out there. (sorry)

Don't write about my family. (sorry again).

Why can't you talk to me. (because you want to fix everything. Sometimes it ain't broke, it just wants to make noise)

Casey thinks it funny and likes to read the bad words (mostly quoted from him in the first place) He has reading assignments at school and wants to know if this counts. (nope).

whats on my tivo

I think what's on your tivo tells a lot about you. Interestingly, I have no reality TV on my tivo, although I know I am an addict.

Lost Worlds - from the History Channel - I have about 7 episodes left that I have not gotten to yet. Crusades, egypt, ancient rome etc. Good stuff.

Oprah - I record the show daily and fast forward through them on the weekend watching the ones I want and deleting the nonsense. I've got to keep current on the Oprah stuff so I can relate to my stay at home mom friends and book club. Nate's a cutie.

Friday Night Lights - for my son. He's a football freak having finished his first year of mighty mites this year. The star quarterback becoming a quadriplegic in the first episode was a real bummer but we've stuck with it.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I really miss the West Wing, so this helps.

Ugly Betty - for me. Nice to think that looks don't matter. When does Betty get to be a swan. And Salma Hayek - if i was traded to the other team, I could go for her. In one movie I saw her dancing in some mexican cantina and she made this guy lick tequila from her toes and I nearly wet myself.


Grey's Anatomy - also for me. I'm a McSteamy girl. I can't get past the Patrick Dempsey i remember from that movie "can't buy me love" where he had to pay the popular girl to pretend to be his girlfriend. How do you go from that guy to accepting him as McDreamy? It's like as if suddenly Screech was a sex symbol. I like the bad boys, ergo, McSteamy for me.

My son's local cable access appearances: in a Christmas concert (he had a solo) and Pop Warner games. I don't have a DVD burner to save it to a DVD. So i hope it never gets erased.

things i like

It's beginning to feel all negative in this blog. So for the sake of fair and balanced reporting, here is a list of things i like (Love, even!)

My husband Mike & son Casey are both #1 in my book. We make a great team.

Playing golf with my Mom - Some day I will beat her, but she's so tough around the greens. We don't play often enough, and I need to fix that.

This New England Patriots team under Bill Belichick. In Bill we trust. Tom Brady, Rodney Harrison, Richard Seymour, Tedy Bruschi, Troy Brown. What's not to love? Now that the playoffs are set, don't bet against these guys.

Spongebob - My favorite one is Krusty Love - when Mr Krab is dating Mrs Puff, and he gets mad at Spongebob for spending all his money.




Reality TV - I like the life with bobby brown, anna nicole, straight up day in the life ones. Hef's girlfriends. Mini Me peeing in the corner. Not the dating who's getting a rose types.

Project Runway - Love Heidi, loved Jay, Santino & Nick.

Clam Chowder - New England style baby. You should be able to stand a spoon in it. Reminds me of going clamming with my dad as a kid. We'd leave early in the morning, dig up pails of clams and fill up the sink with water to give them the sink or swim test. If you float, get out of the boat!

Living on the coast- Growing up I could hear the bell buoy clanging while lying in my bed trying to fall asleep. Now I know it doesn't get better than that.

George Clooney - especially from the show Sisters. He's getting better with age.

Cannonball contests with my nephews - I always win - it's the blessing of a big butt.

Sports talk Radio - arguing about the Red Sox, Patriots, and those other 2 teams that forgot how to get it done. You don't have to win in this town - you just have to play with heart, and the Boston fans will never forget you. Just ask John Hannah, Andre Tippett, Jerry Remy, etc.

Howard Stern - lesbians and retards. I love crazy Alice. I can relate to her. I'd like to be free enough to go on a Crazy Alice rant at work. But i need my job.



Ireland - been there, lived there, gave birth there, husband's 14 brothers and sisters are all still there. most likely will go back there. but that's another story.

Food Network. In order I like Alton, Emeril, Giada, Rachael, Paula, Bobby, Mario, semi home made lady, the gay couple from the food tv star contest and then tyler florence comes in last. Alton rocks - love the science.

Hello Kitty - part of my regression to second grade. I have hello kitty office supplies on my desk - they are terribly useless but oh so cute.

Ebay - where else can you can get a ginty for 5 bucks when you need it?

let me clarify a few things...


For the record, I am suffering from Narcolepsy, not Necrophilia as my 7 year old son just blurted out. Where does a child hear of such a thing, you may ask? That's a real good question - one that I asked him myself, and the answer is...Dodgeball. The movie. He also learned the words dyke and hooker from that old chestnut. People, don't let Patches O'Houlihan raise your kids, OK.

I feel like I have blogarrhea. Apparently this portmanteau is a real word in the blogging world. I thought I was being clever, but then I googled it. It means lots of meaningless ranting posts in a blog. Yup, that's what i feel like. Just started yesterday and posted 5 times already. Either I have a lot to say or too much free time on my hands. As they say, time will tell.

things I hate

now that I'm forty, i no longer have time in my life to suffer fools, gladly or otherwise. I'm on the back nine, so I've got to shed all the baggage and pretense and start talking real. I will indulge myself now by starting with the list of things i hate. During my forties as my estrogen levels plummet, I will become more cantankerous so this list is likely to grow. There might be ten, there may be more victims by the time I'm finished. so just roll with it.

First on my list has got to be Reba McEntire. I know next to nothing about her, never heard her sing past the first line on some award show, but she's got that Down-home twangy thang going on which really bugs me. so i will suffer Reba no longer. She is dead to me.

Next would be Dubya. I voted for him the second time because I figured - stay the course, he's got good people around him that know what they're doing, and John "liveshot" Kerry is a pompous tool. So where's the plan? What the F is the friggin plan, George? Get those kids out of there if you're just winging it. enough said about that.

I hate people who don't like Howard Stern but have never listened to his show. now that he's on Sirius you've got to pay to hear him, and I've been a proud subscriber since day 1, but people think I'm some sort of freak for paying for it. I met another mom at lacrosse who listens to Howard and it was like our dirty little secret. Loosen up people - Howard's a genius.

I hate drivers who go slow in the fast lane and won't move over. I hate that there is traffic now before 6 am - where did you all come from?

I hate No Child Left Behind as for my child it means: No Child Pushed Ahead. Its teaching to the lowest common denominator. Kids, let's all wait for Joey to figure it out before we move on. Just love hearing how great my son is helping out other kids who don't get it, but sorry, that's not his job. How about giving him something a bit more challenging? Just a thought.

I hate that MTV keeps sucking me in with real world road rules challenges. I don't want to care about these people, but i do. I hate Wes and can't wait for someone to shut him up. I don't hate Beth but I love that everyone else does. How the hell old is Beth anyway? I bet her 4-0 is looming. And Kina needs to get a real job and stop making these shows so friggin serious - "If I go, I know Cara will make a great Captain". Get a grip Kina, you're mud wrestling for coconuts, not curing cancer.

I hate hate hate the New York Yankees. This hate started in my basement in 1978 when Bucky (rhymes with &*^%$) Dent tore my 11 year old heart out after an amazing Sox comeback to tie for the postseason. This hate of pinstripes grew all though the 80s and 90s with your friggin world series runs and 1818 chants. Roger Clemens is a traitor, Zim is the devil and Grady Little is possessed. I thought 2004 would heal all these wounds, and then you take Johnny Damon and make him cut his hair! You are dead to me Yankees.

I hate that there are 10 Law and Order and CSIs hogging up the TV schedule. It's cutting into my reality TV time. How about Law and Order my Daddy knew someone to get me off - that's more like reality. Give me COPS straight up any day.

I hate that my family has spun into separate orbits in the last few years since my Dad died. Do you really need a written invitation to come for Christmas dinner, because I don't - I want to see everyone and just need to know what to bring. Does it really matter who called who a douchebag - we used to laugh at that word. Let's get it together ladies!

Just a few more:
Star Jones
Paris Hilton (Nicole I like you)
wrapping presents
Being called Ma'am by "Jeremy" in some call center in India
UPS - why the hell don't you deliver on the weekends, especially around Christmas


that feels better.

pull over please


So as soon as forty hits me, I immediately felt older. I realize logically that it's got to be in my head, but I swear to God it's real. The first of the delightful new ailments I encountered soon after turning 40 was untimely bouts of narcolepsy. I literally cannot keep my eyes open and all I want to do is give in to the urge to sleep. I carpool every day to work with my BIL Joe, and since my dreaded birthday, there have been at least 3 mornings when i literally could NOT stay awake while I was driving to work. My eyelids were being sucked together by a force far greater than gravity. This NEVER EVER happened before and we've driven this same route for years.

so now I have to surrender the wheel to him, and then I get to curl up in the fetal position in the oh-so-warmly heated passenger seat with my faced all smushed up shar-pei-like against the window, under my blue LL Bean down cocoon, and then it starts....I'M SNORING!! I can hear myself starting to snore and I'm like OH MY FRIGGIN GOD is that me! Joe is snickering with his tee hee hee inappropriate laughter because his forties are almost up and he knows what other "treats" lie ahead for me.

Second joy of the season is the premature loss of my mental faculties. Yes, I've lost my keys before (alot), forgotten why i went upstairs, yada yada, but since the big four-0, I've lost my blackberry twice and misplaced my IPod for several weeks until my husband found it yesterday in a cutlery crock in the kitchen (!) I also lost my work ID, and then I lost the temporary ID they gave me to use until my new ID came (which you guessed it - I lost!). So now I'm on some sort of double secret probation with Corporate Services - they've given me this bright blue lanyard to wear around my neck like a scarlet letter screaming out that I am losing my marbles.

However, to my surprise I do find wearing the lanyard strangely liberating. I don't have to spend 10 minutes trying to find my ID just to go to the toilet - it's right there with me. Out to lunch - bada bing - I'm ready! And every morning when I get to work I just reach into my huge morass of a bag and feel around for that trusty polyester lanyard string, give it a good tug, and voilĂ  - I'm in! It's been a big help these days since i'm so sleepy. And I know forsaking fashion for function is a sure sign of aging. Next I'll be wearing those groovy beaded things to keep me from losing my glasses...(again!)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

blog take 2

what the f$&*!%~ just happened? i can't even figure out this new blog crap. GRRRRR!! i just wrote this great intro as to why i was blogging, blah blah blah just hit forty boo hoo such a pretty face melting on the inside isnt she funny ha ha but the frigging thing just closed on me and so all was lost. pathetic story of my life.

like a virgin

ok i found the friggin thing. Its not even that good so what was i whining about. but here goes.

i'm a blog virgin. it's been a long time since i was a virgin at anything. so i guess i'll fumble through and figure this out. You see, i just turned 40 this month. No big deal i thought, just another day/month/year. So now i'm forty and i'm shocked because it a BIG number. i thought i'd be grown up and all mature by the time i hit forty, but i still feel the same way i've always felt. which is not quite settled. OK on the outside, life's a party, isn't she funny, such a pretty face, wow did she blow up, constant heartburn on the inside.

now that i'm forty i need to make changes in my life. I want to feel happy, not just appear to be. so i thought this blog thing would be a good start. i need someone to talk to and someone to listen besides the dog.